Braving the Holidays as a Trauma Survivor
The hustle and bustle of the holidays can often prove difficult for many people. Yet, the holidays can be particularly stressful for survivors of trauma.
For survivors of childhood physical or sexual abuse, the holidays may have been particularly wrought with pain due to the closeness of abusive family members, increase in tension, and drug and alcohol use. Maybe the abuse happened all year long, but the holidays are particularly memorable. For others, there may have been a traumatic loss that occurred around the holidays, and forever tinged this time of year with negative emotions. For these survivors, the holidays represent anniversaries of traumatic events.
Even for others whose trauma did not happen around the holidays, they may see dysfunctional and unsupportive family members, whom they do not often encounter at other times of the year. This experience may be exacerbated by societal expectations about spending extra time at family parties/functions during the holiday season.
Often, for survivors of trauma there is a dissonance between the societal expectations of joy and togetherness (“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”) and the past experiences that inextricably connect these very same songs, sights, and smells with terror, violence, and abuse.
Many trauma survivors experience grief during the holiday season – the grief of not having the family or childhood they should have had or want to have now. This grief may show up in a variety of ways, including in feelings of shame, anger, jealousy, or sadness.
If you are a trauma survivor, here are some tips for coping with the holiday hustle and bustle:
Allow yourself to grieve the losses that your trauma has brought you. Allow some time this season for your emotions to bubble up to the surface and be fully experienced. Any and all emotions are acceptable. Maybe you are angry that you did not have the childhood that you should have had. Find safe and healthy ways of moving through that anger, such as kickboxing, ripping up unwanted paperback books, punching pillows, or burning or throwing things in a contained environment. Maybe you are incredibly sad because you lost someone in a traumatic way around this time of year. Allow yourself to cry and make space for the sadness. Maybe put on a sad film to allow the tears to flow more freely. Whatever emotions are coming up for you, allow yourself the space and time to fully experience them.
Have boundaries with family or avoid family altogether. As a reminder, it’s more than okay to enact boundaries with toxic family members in order to maintain your own equanimity. These boundaries may look like limiting the time you spend with certain family members. It may also look like limiting the type of topics that may be discussed. Maybe being intentional about protecting your emotional boundaries is most important. Focus on regularly grounding yourself. Maybe visualize a physical bubble, armor, or wall protecting you from the fiery arrows of cutting remarks. Some trauma survivors, especially those whose trauma happened within the family unit, decide that they cannot remain in contact with their family of origin in order to maintain their own safety and sanity. For these trauma survivors, I recommend creating an intentional and chosen family with your partner and/or friends. Friendsgiving is a wonderful thing and can help you keep more of your joy this season.
Create your own holiday traditions that are meaningful to you. Similarly, It can be very helpful to begin new traditions that are not related to your trauma. For example, instituting a new tradition of making cookies or going to the movies can help you make the holidays your own and bring back some of the joy of the season.
Double up on self-care. Taking care of your body, mind, and soul is all the more important under the stress of the holidays. Remember to take breaks. You can’t do trauma work 24/7. It is completely normal and necessary to be able to contain and put away the trauma processing every once in a while. This might look different for different people, but the idea is to allow yourself some space to recoup this season. For example, some people may take regular walks or listen to non-holiday music or watch some Netflix. You have permission to stay home instead of going to another holiday party. Make an appointment with your therapist. Reach out to friends for support. Do something really kind for yourself. If finances allow, maybe buy yourself a special gift. Take a luxurious bubble bath. Regular exercise and eating nourishing foods can also help give your body and your mind what it needs to face the additional stress this time of year.
The holidays can be a difficult time of year. Be gentle with yourself, especially if you are a trauma survivor. Trauma often teaches us intense shame. Sometimes when we are triggered and suffering, we can turn on ourselves because we think we deserve to hurt. Instead of taking part in negative self-talk or self-harm, experiment with softening toward yourself in self-compassion. Just acknowledging to ourselves, “There is a part of me that is really hurting right now,” can be enough to move us towards a more loving stance. Take care of yourself and practice the tips above to help keep you grounded over the holidays. You may even discover some fresh joy this season.