Dealing with Toxic People
What makes a person toxic? If there is a question of whether or not someone you know is toxic, I recommend that you consider what you experience in your body and emotions when you are around that person. Do you experience emotions and sensations that could not be explained by the interaction itself or by a triggering of past events? Confusion. Fear. A desire to cower in a corner somewhere? From bosses to partners to parents, at some point in our lives, we all come into contact with toxic people. These encounters are often like walking through landmines and sometimes it is not possible to completely cut these people out of our lives. So how do you deal with the toxic people in your life? Here are some tips:
Emotional Awareness. Similarly to what I said about how to tell if someone is toxic, pay careful attention to your emotional and bodily experience when you are around that person. Toxic people can sometimes make you feel absolutely crazy and it is important to ground yourself to avoid getting sucked to their toxic vortex. Ground yourself in who you are and the reality of the situation and not what they are making it out to be. Sometimes it is also helpful to run it by a trusted friend to help you see the situation more objectively.
Boundaries. It is important to set limits and boundaries with toxic people. What specific boundaries you set will depend on the relationship and what is most important for you to feel safe. Some examples might be limiting the amount of time that you spend with that particular person, when and where you interact with this person, or the topic of conversation. Sometimes limiting certain aspects of the relationship can help control the chaos. You may also want to set emotional boundaries. For this, it can be helpful to visualize a physical barrier between you and this person or armor that protects you from their painful words.
Pick your Battles Wisely. Because of the volatility of conversations with toxic people, it is best to avoid poking the bear except when absolutely necessary. You don’t want to wear yourself out or “die on that mountain” when the issue in question is not a priority to you. Think carefully about and plan confrontations with toxic people in your life. This is another reason why it may be helpful to have a trusted friend or therapist to help you consider your priorities and make a plan of action.